Fighting is just another form of communication. In fairness, it can be very productive and positive. However most of us are most familiar with unfair fighting, which is neither productive or positive. At best, having a fair fight may seem like a contradiction in terms. At worst, it may seem virtually impossible. The truth is that a fair fight provides a basic framework to resolve conflict, solve perpetual problems and help people get on with life.

In our relationships with spouses, family, friends, and even co-workers, fair fighting can be a important and necessary skill. It helps you manage your own stress, allows you to teach children how to manage conflict and eases the tension in difficult situations.

Fair fighting rules can be applied anywhere and with anyone. Once you get the hang of it, it's definitely a skill that can be used in a variety of situations - everything from dealing with employees and co-workers, talking with your kids, working things out in new relationships, and managing the conflicts that occur in everyday life. As you begin to use fair fighting rules, you will be amazed at how capable you will feel as a communicator. Fair fighting is one of the key skills that really helps people change their patterns of communication.

The seven steps below create the basic framework for a fair fight.

1. Timing is everything. Find a time and place that will work for both of you. Here are a few suggestions about time and place.
• No surprise attacks or catching people off-guard.
• Pick a time when you aren't tired, hungry or rushed.
• Never talk/fight in the presence of your children.
• If necessary, pick a location that is relatively neutral.

2. Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling several complaints into one session. Some people call this "laundry listing" - talking about everything that's ever happen before now!

3. Stay focused on the present. Bringing up the past isn't fair. If you need to schedule a separate session to discuss past issues, that's fine. You may want to pull in a neutral third party to facilitate this kind of discussion.

4. State the problem clearly. This means you must think through what your complaint is, make sure you have all the facts, and use good communication to share your concern. Avoid blaming others. Use an "I-message" to state how you feel. (more about I-messages below)

5. Be willing to listen to what the other parent has to say. Review what you hear the other person saying. Interestingly, they feel just as strongly about their point of view, as you do about yours.

6. Be prepared to offer solutions. Brainstorm solutions with your partner. Be willing to compromise. Give a little to get a little.

7. Implement the solution. If it doesn't work, schedule another time to talk and pick another solution.
3Step Three Click to enlargeWhile learning to follow the fair fighting format, here are a few thoughts to keep in mind.
• How can we work this out together?
• This is what I would like to see happen.
• This is what I am willing to do.
• What would you be willing to do?

THE FAIR FIGHTING RULES:
1. No name calling. This includes calling someone "childish" or "you
are acting like your mother".
2. No sarcasm, including rolling eyes, making faces, etc.
3. No physical violence, this includes no slapping, punching, pushing,
grabbing, etc.
3. No swearing, denunciation, obscenities, character assassination,
contempt, or taunting.
4. Only two people argue; all outsiders are not allowed to join in.
5. Stay on the subject. No interrupting, switching, or changing the subject.
6. Do not talk about anything that happened before--only the present
subject, not the past.
7. Do not assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise,
speculate, make gestures, judgments, funny glances or faces about what your partner means. Ask questions, find out!
8. Say what you feel. Don't assume the other person knows what you
feel, want, need, or what you mean.
9. No belittling each other’s feeling, ideas, or accomplishments.
10. Both partners always have equal rights.
11. No manipulating, criticizing or humiliating.
12. Give each other the ability to withdraw or change their mind.
13. No putting undo pressure on the other.
14. No ranting and raving, intimidating or bullying.
15. Speak softly. It's a myth that the loudest person "wins".
16. No getting excessively angry by yelling or exploding. It is
perfectly acceptable for adults to take a "time-out". Allow 10-20
minutes for calming down, collecting your thoughts, etc. 17. Don’t try to make each other feel guilty, "no guilt trips".
18. No discussion while anyone is under the influence of alcohol or
drugs.
19. Create a time limit. 30 minutes is optimal; long drawn out
discussions or fights rarely reach resolution.
20. If you cannot finish the discussion or argument; then schedule
another time to continue, and then keep the appointment.

The basic "I statement" goes like this; "I 'FEEL' about_______, because ______________________."

Here are other ways to begin an "I statement":

* I notice
* I wonder
* I suspect
* I believe
* I resent
* I am puzzled
* I am hurt
* I regret
* I am afraid
* I am frustrated
* I am happier
* I want
* I expect
* I appreciate
* I realize
* I hope
* I need
* I assume

Dirty fighting tactics are the exact opposite of fair fighting rules, and most of us have engaged in these at one time or another. Check yourself out to make sure you don't slip into using some of these below-the-belt tactics. Many of these are subtle and some of them even come disguised as fair fighting rules.

But they are not. This takes constant awareness; practice and then practice some more. Fair fighting rules allow you to practice the art of focusing your complaint clearly and then making the request for change as effectively as possible.

Remember the concept is WIN-WIN. You win because you avoid a miserable, awful argument. And your relationship and your kids win because you have demonstrated a healthy way to resolve conflict.

“It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.” - Caron de Beaumarchais